This is my 200th post. I wish it were more exciting and celebration-like.
I'm really, really sad. And tired. And tired of being sad. It has been 2 weeks now, which amazes me. Where have the days gone? I know I get up every day and I know I function for the sake of my family, but I'm not 100% 'there' at all.
I know that when I weep it is for myself and my husband and all our family members who will not get to spend a lifetime with our baby. I know that she is in heaven and never suffered, never will suffer, and has beautiful, perfect, eternal life. I know that we will see her again when it is our time. And I am endlessly grateful that the decision was made for us...we did not have to stand over a NICU bassinet and watch our baby struggle for life, or make any horrible decisions about life support.
But oh, how I long to have her here with us. How I wish I could cradle her soft body in my arms, and feel her tiny heart flutter. I dream of her newborn smell, and the feel of her soft fuzzy head against my cheek. When I found out I was pregnant again we knew our lives were about to change pretty radically. So we immediately started making plans. This sweet baby was already so loved, and we wanted her so badly. I had so many thoughts and ideas and plans. Now our lives have changed again, and our plans have suddenly changed as well.
And I don't like it. I don't want it to be true. I hate that this has now become part of the story of my life. I don't know how to be this woman. I don't even know how to write about it. It is such a deeply personal thing and words just fail me.
I know that what happened to me and my family is right, because it is God's plan. It isn't for us to understand. But I don't have to like it.